Friday, December 5, 2014

Hey, it's OKAY!!

Anyone who knows me knows...
I am a planner
a serious one
at least when it comes to my life paln
sometimes it's a good thing
but sometimes it really causes me to beat myself up
a lot....
because you know... some things don't go as planned

I have been a producer at Fox for about 9 weeks now
after my wonderful summer internship with Studio 5 
my "plan" was to get a job in production
gain some experience
 go back to KSL
stay with KSL until Studio 5 has an opening 
(there are literally 3 employees for the show)
and then love Studio 5 until I wanted something different
it sounded like a pretty solid 10 year plan....
but you guys.....
I need to be honest about something
I HATE this.....
I really do.... 
I don't hate many things but....
I just cannot be myself here
I don't live and breath news  like everyone else here
Don't get me wrong, staying up to date is important! 
reading CNN every morning has become something I will continue to do forever.
There are millions of interesting people doing interesting things in this world
everyone has a story to tell
but I don't care about knowing every last house that caught on fire this week
or every single accident on the freeway...
I just don't
I'm sad for the families that these things happen to
trust me one time I cried about these three dogs that died in a house fire...
but I just don't want to know some things..
trust me when I say
it has taken weeks of anxiety and crying my eyes out as I drive home from work to realize this....
since day one I felt like I was trying to be someone I'm not...

My entire life I have been "the fashion girl"
I never wore sweats to junior high
then I was voted best dressed in high school
and I went to fashion school
then I became "the nordy girl"
I lived and breathed Nordys for 2 years
and if I am honest with myself....
I loved every second of it.....
I loved the clothes, the people, the customers, everything
But for some reason I couldn't accept this about myself
There are a lot of stigmas that come with working in the fashion industry
a LOT
and I felt like I was always trying to prove myself
that I cared about more than just shoes
but I thrived at Nordys... it just came naturally.... 
but for some reason I always had to explain why I there
the people I loved most never made me feel this way
they always said how proud they were
and only a few people would explicitly say things
but you know how it is....
I was talking about my 10 year plan
and when you talk about your 10 year plan
you have to be confident in it....
and yourself..
and I was terrified of the plateau...

but now as I sit here at my desk
writing about what is considered to be "important"
I have realized something...

Passion really is what fuels life.
You hear people say nonstop "follow your dreams, follow your dreams"
but for some people knowing
and I mean KNOWING that
I know.. 
without a doubt in my mind 
this is my calling in life
I am giving this all I've got
"dream" 
IS HARD TO FIGURE OUT
and you know what?
that's OKAY!

I have learned SOOOOOO much working my butt off to get into this industry
and what if I wouldn't have done this???
I would have never learned 
I could have been working my way up Nordy's wondering, "is this my calling?"
Do I care too much that Alexander Wang's SS2015 collection is UHHmazzz?

but you know what???

Alexander Wang's SS2015 collection IS UHHmazz!!!
and who the flip cares that those rose gold booties cost 900 dollars... they are beautiful
and I can wear those booties I saved for a year to buy
while pouring soup at the homeless shelter
or teaching kids how to read
just because I love fashion  doesn't mean I'm a shallow person
I love people
with all my heart
but I also know...
I am not following my passion right now
I just don't fit in here
and I'm glad I am realizing this now

Thanks for the vent :)

xoxo,

Ashlie


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